Backdrop:
I was in the throes of braving to go to college in a strange land, leaving behind family and friends. This is a state I often find myself in when embarking on major changes and turning points, when the id, ego and superego duke it out in triangular warfare. I revisit my past gleanings to help me resolve the 3 vectors (corporate-societal persona vs self-control vs spiritual control) toward a positive resultant forward momentum.
circle of woe
my life is like a whirpool
sorrows and joys swirl
Me,
a fool
to be caught in the way
my own victim
bursting into disastrous consequences
why am I killing myself
mocking others and myself
sick person, o wretched soul
I need
a kick in the arse
morbid remorse
self-humiliation
who needs all those
to be life companions?
Yet,
they seem to acquaint
to an
infinite eternity
clouding my life
hanging around me
like a stubborn satanic shadow
I, a humble slave
Yet,
when my strength returns
my ego swells
and I am so intoxicated
by this maddening power of strength
that
I’m right back to where I was
- a mess -
no one can haul me out
a fiery pit, infernal hell
- a bottomless well -
waiting to be winched up
remedy,
is there??
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Backdrop:
In times of turmoil facing uncertainties, I get to a humbling helpless hubble-bubble point, stripped of all pride, calIing upon divine intervention to winch me up. The last line “yet feeling good” was to reflect the tension at wanting to be of divine realm yet stuck in human bondage. A God doesn’t need to feel good…only humans strive to feel “good”. God is already and eternally good, but not Man…."o sinner man, where you gonna run to?" I used to strum and sing on my guitar...
OMEGA
Omega,
I seek for thee -
free me from
human bondage, choking me
Man’s grotesque reflections
sinking
into the mud of life
its hideous greed
and monstrosity -
like you,
I wish to be
No beginning
No end
yet feeling good
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Backdrop:
Life and its truths can be simple yet Man makes it complex and difficult. My penchant for simplicity on hindsight is the heritage my father left me, for in my mind and heart, he is a simple and good man, just not equipped with high ambition given the deck of cards dealt to him. The yearning to resolve and reconfig discomfort to return to harmonious self is manifested here.
My Symphony
let me enjoy
the cool of the breeze
let me seek out
the simple joys
let me taste
love unstained
- I’ll be happy -
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Backdrop:
The major transition I was about to make (a leap of faith on future in America) still troubled me just before I embarked for a life of unknowns, packing my bag, striking out all alone, knowing no one in America. One last plea for courage and resilience before leaving behind a quarter of average life span of life. Fast forward to current third quarter of an average life span stage, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young singing in my head “just a song before I go, to whom it may concern….travelling twice the speed of sound, it's easy to get burned….”
S.O.S
Help me,
I’m caught in a
whirlpool of regrets
spliced
and distorted
smashed
upon the rocks
Help me shoot off
at a tangent
in good shape
with renewed vigor
to carry on
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Backdrop:
“Left-home-striking-out-to-unknowns-college” phase. This song sprung in spring of freshman year, in the dorm room….I had returned from a date which bore symbolism of being able to be assimilated into American culture and a glitter of hope to carry on and fulfill dreams of having a meaningful future in life.
Edges of a Dream
that long-awaited door opens
a slit, just enough
to slip through
a valve within releases
a trickle of joy exuded
a peek at being what one desires to be
for just a moment
a camera click
it’s gone
but leaving traces behind
for recapture of that fleeting moment
something to cling to
something realized
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Backdrop:
Fastforward to spring senior year, cramming for last leg and also, after a heartbreaking break-up with that dream edge encounter 3 springs ago.
Book Weaving
here I am
in sterile fluorescence
torturing my mental faculties
depriving my soul
of simple bliss
impossible to come by
schemes and dreams
in constant flux
going somewhere and
nowhere
is it worth it?
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